LAUGHING LAWYER'S OWN wisecracks
FOR JOKE HOTEL
Mencken made fun of religion because he was funny. He made fun of
politicians, liberals, FDR, intellectuals, sophisticated urbanities as
well as Bible Belters. Anything his words touched became amusing. It
didn’t mean they were funny. It meant he was.
I had a wife who was Phi Beta Kappa at Smith. She seemed brilliant
because she had a photogenic mind. But when she took off her clothes I
realized it was all memorized.
Thanks to the NEA and AFT our youngest are exposed to those with more
loss of contact with reality day in and out than a drunk in a bar who sees
cockroaches all over himself.
Freud prescribed an occasional release from temptation. If not, it only
intensifies. He used as an example an otherwise well-mannered woman driven
to kill her husband. Once she kills him the force of the desire is
diminished and she is less dangerous to her next husband until it builds
up again. Essentially his morality is "use moderation". Based on a
conversation with Ernest Jones, his English disciple
Freud legend is exploding. revealing forevermore a Viennese quack
distinguished only by a certain low cunning and a cigar. Richard Ofshe,
Making Monsters; False Memories, Psychotherapy and Sexual Hysteria. Cited
in Unauthorized Freud, Doubters Confront A Legend, Frederick Crews, ed.
Viking Press 1998. I am reading the book.
At this point Freud's big chow was heard scratching at the door, and
Freud rose, as he often had done before, to let the dog in. She settled on
the carpet and began licking her private parts. Freud did not approve of
this behavior, and tried to make her stop. "It's just like
psychoanalysis," he said.
Joseph
Wortis, Fragments of an Analysis with Freud, New York, McGraw-Hill, 1st
ed. 1954
Fanatics take both sides of every scientific debate they know nothing
about. If a winter is especially warm, it shows beyond dispute that the
Greenhouse effect is eating away at the ozone layer. It increases all types of cancer. But if the winter is particularly cold it
also as shows the link. Opposites cancel each other out when it’s
more urgent to hold on to the fanatical belief than to kno whether the
Greenhouse effect is valid or not. Their fanaticism just happened to latch
on to it.
Only God can make a tree. But only man can make a 2 by 4.
Of course I'm glad when science takes the mysterious out of disease.
The trouble is science can't control itself. It bursts bubbles of mystery
indiscriminately. Too many scientists who are really only lab technicians
can't feel the thrill of not quite knowing what the next moment will
bring. These mysteries are quite harmless to science and give color to
living. What's in it for them or humanity to take the mystery out of love?
So everything bleaches into ho! hum!?
People left only with reason end up in insane asylums where they join
those incapable of reason.
Any lawyer in New York who promises a man a fair hearing in court is
either on the way into a padded ward or on the way out. So I am now
concentrating on writing a manual that will help keep the entire family away
from Family Court, black holes of insanity that suck down into themsleves
forever everything that gets too near.
Professor Siegel obviously enjoys teasing New York lawyers. They are
notoriously lazy and tempt fate by shelving a client's case until it is on
the verge of running out of time. The New York courts only excuse lawyers
for "law office failure". Laymen representing themselves never get let off
if they miss a deadline. Now, how can an office fail? It's like
nonsense Feminist language about a chair heading a department. I wouldn't
pay $20,000 a year to send my children to any college headed by a piece of
furniture. Siegel, New York Practice 2nd, 1991, pp.. 340-341.
Remember, be suspicious of any law that purports to protect you from
yourself. Someone is either trying to train you for a circus act or get
into your pockets..
The First Amendment has a lot to say about why lawyers shouldn't be
forced down the throats of clients who don't want anyone licensed by the
state to represent them. This is particularly true if the state created the problem
and is determined to keep it alive. "Why not, said the judge, there are
300,000 lawyers in New York. Surely that's variety enough." I replied, "My
cable company offers 50 channels. If they offered 220,000 channels they'd
still all be the same."
John Marshall is considered the greatest Supreme Court justice by other
judges and lawyers. Not by me. Rip Van Winkle must have been Marshall's
guru. But he had an excuse. He slept through the Revolution. Our Lords
Supreme often doze not only during arguments but to what the word
revolution means. In Dartmouth College v. Woodward (1819), Marshall
found that the King of England overruled the sovereign people of New
Hampshire. In 1819!
Was Marshall daft? Liberty and honesty meant less to him than feudal property rights. He upheld
Dartmouth’s royal charter in perpetuity. That barred New Hampshire forever
from making Dartmouth its state university. Name me another revolution
other than the Mardi Gras where the deposed King still rules?
Our Founding Fathers tried to hide from their mothers the shame that
they were lawyers. Most expected their sons to become preachers or, at
worst, traitors.
The ACLU enters any fray. If there is none, it create one. You knew it
would. It's motto is "Never Leave Well Enough Alone When You Can Create
Pandemonium." Bussing resulted in torched cities and racial hatred by
purest chance. Today, nobody rides busses except winos.
I crossed the border into Canada and began seeing "Drink Canada
Dry" signs everywhere. That’s a helluva challenge for a huge country
with such a small population. They might do better keeping to cross
country skiing.
In addition, Missy Levy said, "studies have shown that when old people
are talked to about negative stereotypes of the elderly, they performed
worse on memory tests." Of course, you're interrupting them. Shut up so
they can concentrate.
An 83-year-old describes a nursing home with astonishment as ''full of
old people." I thought there'd be some more recently retired than Civil
War veterans. A
75-year-old cannot stomach dating anyone over 50. A 73-year-old looks
around a restaurant at all the snowy-haired diners and tells his wife,
''We don't belong here. I told you to make reservations at Chucky
Cheese''
Neo-conservatives moved over from the left. The shift was three steps
to the right and two steps back. It hasn't altered their view of big
government. How better to undermine our Constitution than to beat Iraq
with a big stick and then spend 20 years keeping 100,000 troops doing
nothing but waiting a Jefferson
to emerge. None will. They will forget why they came, declare Iraq a
Massachusetts-type democracy and come
home.
A young man of average height with a good build weighed himself at the
gym. "145 lbs.," he said to his friend. "145lbs! Are your pockets filled
with helium?"
Lawyers have lobotomies so the left side doesn't know what the right is
doing.
Even lawyer's spouses marry them largely for the money. Falling in love
with a lawyer is like falling in love with a tax auditor. First, it isn't
natural. Second, lawyers don't know how to do it. Screwing for a lawyer is
not love-making. And these creatures without even the feelers insects have
are appointed Law Guardians to represent children against their parents in
custody cases. I would think the first thing a law guardian guards is his
purse. Then he asks the child's name. After that, he treats the child like
an adult. "Shut up, you're no exception just because you're seven years
old. Let me destroy your life for you, too. That's what you hire a
professional for."
O.K. I said to the kid checking my full shopping cart at Costco's
exist. "You have thirty seconds to find the hidden stolen item.
My barber is some hair stylist. It is true. He is. But when he cuts my
hair it's like sheep shearing. No matter how overgrown he goes at it with
a weed-whacker. It's a Marine haircut. When you don't have it looks better
not hiding the fact. It takes him 30 seconds. I told him "if you charged
by the clock, it would be seventy-five cents even at your fancy rates.
He
also owns a popular Long Island night spot. I went there
once to get a date. All I got was a headache. "Richey, I hear you're going
to break new ground. You're going to have Sunday evening classical string quartet specials." He
just laughed. I said, "I know. You'd be out of business before the
intermission. But you would get into the Guinness Book of Records for the
smallest audience of all time."
I saw a big sign at the university
campus where Richey's "Hair Express" is located. "Seniors! Take
Advantage of on-campus interviews. Sign up for PrideRecruiting." I went to
sign up. "Are you kidding?" the stunned receptionist said. "Well, I'm a lot
more senior than anyone else I've seen here today."
A friend and a CPA
doesn't deliberately make up jokes. Even if his quick comment is out of this world
he's like a bomb on a long fuse. When one of
his off-handed remarks blows up he is no longer
around.
Eating with lawyers is like eating one's last meal on
death row. But the local bar association used to have a buffet where
million-dollar lawyers could eat for seven dollars on days
when they couldn't charge lunch to some client's account.
We looked around. "Where's the buffet table?, I asked the hostess in a near empty room. "Oh! it must be sometime since you've been here. We
closed that down last July." Charlie and I conferred over the overpriced
menu and decided to go to a really good diner. I walked out first. Just as
I reached the exit I heard him say, "Write us if you decide to offer the
buffet again."
My ear doctor is a nebbish. He knows I come twice a year for one
purpose. My ears get impacted and he cleans them out. But he gets pittance
in reimbursement. "I’d like to give you a hearing test to see whether you
have any suffered any hearing loss. Do you have any problems hearing?"
"Only in the movies something I can’t understand a word. But I can
always read the sub-titles."
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
Mencken
In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can
remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid
of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things,
and facing electrocution. A take off on Edith Wharton
The salmon was out of this world. I told the restaurant owner. Too bad I didn't have a space
vehicle.
I thanked a young man for holding the door to the men's room open for me. "You know it's a courteous thing to do?"
"That's why I did it," he said.
"But it would even be better if you hold the door open for a pretty young lady."
"What would a girl be doing going into the men's room?"
"Why ask questions, just take make the most of the opportunity. Besides nowadays women insist on going wherever men can go. They even go to strip clubs."
I added, "may I give you some advice. If she's pretty and you enjoy her company, don't
concentrate on her eyes and appear to listen carefully to what she says.
Shake your head "yes" from time to time. Until you here the word
"divorce." Then stop and take careful notes."
Four attractive girls were eating in a pizza parlor. When I went up to pay I said, "I'll bet you give then a hefty discount."
"No, but I'll charge you more."
"Why?" Just because I'm old and ugly?"
A customer turned to me. "Why do say such things about yourself?"
"At my age, do you think I care more about my reputation than a good laugh?"
The counterman added "and everyday he wakes up and finds he's still alive, he's happy."
My car looked like it had been parked for a week in Baghdad. I took it to the car wash. I said to the owner "you're supporting our effort in Iraq, aren't you?"
"Of course," he answered.
"Then I'm entitled to the 30% discount."
"For what?"
"Look at the caked sand and dust on the car. It just got back from being used to ferry injured soldiers to field hospitals."
"All right, it hasn't. But I bought from a used car dealer who looted it from a Baghdad Toyota dealer."
I went for hospital tests. Coming down on the elevator were a doctor and his nurse. He hesitated when the elevator stopped and stepped back.
"Boy are you lucky none of your patients are on this elevator. If you're unsure of yourself in an elevator how confident will a patient be under your knife?"
His nurse answered "That's why I accompany him."
To make him feel better, I added "I'm sure you're a great surgeon. After all, you could be an idiot savant."
Fortunately, the elevator reached the lobby before I saw his reaction.
I had been to see my doctor. Next week I have to have a test that I dread.
"Doctor, I'm a coward. It's not pain that bothers me. It's the thought of that metal device worming up into my body. I think at the last minute I'll hop a train to Chicago."
Without batting a eyelash, he shot back "do you know how long that tube is?"
As soon as I said it I thought of the very same answer.
"Doc, I have pretensions to be a stand-up comic. Maybe you ought to think about a
career change too."
I went to Costco, the warehouse supermarket. The lines were extra long. I said
to the woman ahead of me, "wouldn't it be nice if they had at least one line for the impatient?" Just then a cashier opened one.
I told the director of the hospital's wellness program if she didn't try to keep me healthy I'd promise not to drive the doctors nuts by staying out of their way. I'm a bachelor and she actually has no doubt she will get me to live an orderly life, including three proper meals a day. And scientists say they don't believe in miracles.
Renee Cox screamed in exasperation, "Get over it. Why can't a woman be Christ!"
"Renee, for the same reason a woman can't be George McGovern."
A young woman was helping an older woman cross Broadway with her seeing-eye dog. As I passed I turned to her and said: "Don't you realize you're giving the poor dog a complex?"
I pick on people my own age. A couple couldn't decide whether to chance it across Broadway opposite Lincoln Center where the street
is divided by a meridian.
"Fellow me and don't worry. Those taxi drivers won't dare hit us. Do you think they want to lose a whole evening's wages waiting for the police and then having to fill out a mountain of forms from hordes of insurance companies?"
No agency keeps records comparing how many doctors kill patients with how many patients kill doctors. On the other hand, we have very accurate records on how many lawyers and judges kill clients with how many clients kill lawyers and judges. In the first instance, except for capital punishment, the number is zero while thousands of lawyers and judges are killed or injured by enraged clients. We are not being judgmental.
We don't have all the facts. Killing in general is to be avoided if at all
possible. But every rule has its exception. Where there is no other way
out who can say but the suffering client?
Does this elevator go sideways? My surgery is scheduled this morning and I'm not quite sure I'm in the mood to get chopped up today. Maybe when I'm a little bit older, say 95.
I got a notice from my landlord yesterday. "Vacate your
premises by the end of the month."